my newest blog

Please go visit my new blog. It is a journal of my dreams.
The link is found under “blogs i follow.” If you’re lazy like I am, here it is: http://nocturnalmemoirs.wordpress.com/

my new tattoo and btvs

I didn’t really get a tattoo but if I did it was say “did you read the Bloggess today?” And I would put it somewhere I couldn’t miss it because what good would it be on the back of my shoulder, right?

I’ve been really sick all week. The week before that I was just sort of sick. It’s been tough but after seeing a Dr. that a good friend hooked me up with I am on the mend.

Whilst I’ve been sick I decided to watch every single season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I didn’t watch it back in the 90’s because I was either working or drinking heavily or sleeping. Can you say barfly? So for the last week I’ve either been sleeping or eating or watching btvs. I’m pretty much inundated with the show. I even dream about it now. I thought about taking a break but then I heard Spike in my head saying, “pffft, you bloody poof!” so I decided against it. Almost to season 5 now.

Today I decided to catch up on The Bloggess because I have not been to her site in a few weeks. I’m telling you that woman and I and several other women I know are from the same planet. It’s like we were probably inseminated into our mothers by aliens and were some sort of science experiment to see if we would eventually find each other as alien sisters. I wonder how many more out of this world sisters I have.

As always, she has inspired me to speak my mind and be artistic and grab my depression/anxiety by the balls. I love her for this. She makes me feel like all of my intergalactic siblings do. Like it’s okay to be crazy sometimes, and that there is at least one person walking around that knows exactly how I feel at any given time.

I’m lucky. And out of things to say.

Aside

anatomy, physiology, and humor

Can I just say how much I adore my professor this semester?  She is extremely nerdy and she laughs at herself!  I try not to crack up in class because I don’t want to draw any more attention to myself than being the only 40+ person in a room of 26 eighteen year olds can get me, but O-M-G this lady is hilarious.  I want to follow her home.  I want to ask her out to lunch.  I bet she has 11 cats!  Today she was in ecstasy over the disgusting pictures in our text-book.  I wanted to hug her! 

I am 99 percent sure when she was a girl she had to wear headgear with her braces and had a hard time talking and breathing with it. 

Plus, today she let me drop/add so that both of my classes are back to back on Tues and Thurs, even though her class was FULL.  We have a quiz on Tues and I can’t wait.  It’s soooo nice to have a teacher that I like and appreciate.  I hope she doesn’t go all batshit cray cray on me and ruin it.

feeling like billy madison….

“Back to school, back to school, to prove to Dad that I am not a fool.” 

Monday my little tigers AND I start school.  My son doesn’t seem to mind going back other than it ‘s going to cramp his Xbox style.  My daughter, God bless her heart, is just like me.  She is very emotional about it and nervous, and at times sick to her stomach about it.  I’ve had to dry her tears more than once and reassure her that within thirty minutes of being in class she will be perfectly fine and that everyone, even the teachers, are ALL nervous on the first day.  Now, keep in mind how mental I am and how much I dread being the oldest person in my class AGAIN.  This is what I really want to do.

I want to drop down to my knees and cry with her.  I want to hold her tightly and plan an escape with her.   I want to suggest that maybe we aren’t praying HARD enough to win the lottery.  I want to scream, “NO, THEY CAN’T FORCE US TO GO.”  I want to make picket signs that say Hell No We Won’t Go and hang up them up all over the house. 

Of course I cannot do these things.  But I remember being 8 and how much I hated the first day of school.  I wanted to take all of my new crayons and folders and paper and erasers and stay in my room and PLAY school. 

For her, though, I put on a super crazy brave face and giggle.  I ask her if she will help me study for tests if I help her study for hers.  Then I complain about homework (just like she does).  “OH” I say, “we can totally do our homework TOGETHER now!”  She smiles.  I am going to make a study space for us, all three of us, and make it fun.  When I learn disgusting things about the human body I will share it with them both and we will all scream, “EWWWWWWWWWWW!”

I still have to buy my books, a backpack, and some minor school supplies.  I will take them with me and maybe let them pick out my backpack for me.  Let’s pray I don’t end up with something too silly. 

Tomorrow is the back to school Mass.  It will be so nice to see everyone and meet the teachers.  Monday after drop off some of the Moms are going to meet for breakfast.  Once more the close-knit sisterly love of my Nativity friends will pick up right where it left off.  I will get to see Super D (one of my besties) more often – this makes me happy.  I sorted out the kids’ stuff and labeled what needed to be labeled.  I am missing a red folder and something else that I can send in on the first day in their backpacks. 

My little girl is sleeping.  If she only knew that her Momma was still up, having anxiety attacks about school on Monday….haha.  Time to pop a pill and force myself to sleep or I won’t at all. 

See you on the flip side suckas!!

mental pause

I haz it.  I am all over the place.  I’m in a whirlwind of emotion and mood that I have absolutely zero control over.  It’s a scary but interesting place to be.  Some of you have been here, some of you are in here  with me  (wave).  The only being that understands me right now is my cat, Sophie Anne LeClerq, and she is a raving maniac.  She eats, she sleeps, she slaps the shit out of anyone who bothers her.  Yes, we are mentally on the same plane, except she is a cat and she can get away with that.  She knows I am in mental anguish too.  You know how animals are, they just know.  She actually took a nap today beside me and was touching me.  TOUCHING me.  It’s unheard of.  Here’s a shot of her with her old friend Ginger. 

Queen Sophie Anne LeClerq

So one minute I feel ambitious, I think ambitious, I want to conquer the world………that’s usually at about 2:30am.  Yep.  I know.  From 10am to 6pm I am a complete puddle of <insert blood curdling scream here>.  To make myself (and you) feel better about me, let’s look at what I have accomplished lately. 

1. I quit smoking

2. I’ve been on a diet and I’ve lost weight

3. Found the same character voice in at least 4 separate cartoons.

Tomorrow is a new day though.  Maybe I’ll wake up a little less crazy.

advice needed

EDIT——— I have decided not to do an advice column.  Partly because I’m not really smart enough to give people sound advice and partly because I forgot that I start school again soon and won’t have time to indulge in blogs and stuff as much as I do now.  Thank you for the support and kind words though!

I am thinking of making a Facebook page with an advice column.  Or maybe adding one here.  What do you think?  I’m pretty good at NOT sugar-coating things for people and saying exactly what I think of most anything.   I think my advice is golden but some would disagree, probably in a very angry way.  Just a thought.  I like helping people.  Sometimes I even feed the trolls when I’m not being one myself. 

I could call it “No More Bullshit”.  I like it.

Let’s take a vote, shall we?

 

 

 

 

 

waaaaaa….

Will someone please call me a waaambulance?  I’ve been SO whiney the last few days.  Granted, I have a good reason to be, but now that I have a good reason I am thinking about all of the whining I do over stupid stuff.  My very good friend told me today that there is probably something good in my whining and that God loves what I dislike about myself.  I told her that I was pretty sure that Jesus was rolling his eyes at me.  When I try to picture Jesus loving me even when I’m whiney I see him looking up to Heaven, and asking the Father to please shut me the hell up already. 

My blessings far out number my misfortunes.  I have no serious issues that I am dealing with.  Unlike most people with problems I am not juggling a full-time job along with everything else.  My kids are healthy and happy.  My husband is healthy and happy.  (at least he says he’s happy =P)  I’m not living in poverty and I have probably THE most amazing friends and family.  I go to church every Saturday for vigil and I feel a strong kindred with my Nativity family.  So why do I whine so much?  Maybe I’m just a whiner.  I AM the baby out of three kids.  Yeah, that’s probably it.  I’m still “the baby” is all.  I’m going to have to go ahead and blame my parents (again) for this one.  **just joking, Mom.  No, REALLY, I was joking**  sorta. 

Where was I going with this?  Oh yeah, whining and God.  I don’t consider myself a Holy Roller or a Bible Thumper but I do talk to God several times a day.  I almost always remember to thank Him each night for all the blessings in my life.  I ask Him to keep those that I love safe and peaceful, especially my babies.  I usually have a couple of special prayers to say for others that are in desperate need.  I believe in the power of prayer.  Of course I always end my nightly prayers with, “please let us win the lottery, God.  Not some tiddley 2 million one either, I want tens of millions!  Amen.”  Hey, the squeaky catholic gets greased, right?

Last night I was talking to God.  Well, actually, it was like 5 a.m. because I could not sleep and I was staring at the ceiling.  So…. this morning I was talking to God about this whole Chantix struggle and not being able to sleep.  Give me strength and blah blah blah.  I told him how tired I was of feeling crummy and complaining all of the time.  I’m pretty used to God answering me.  He usually does even though it’s not always the answer I was looking for.  Which is why I firmly believe that it was divine intervention that I ended up channel surfing and landing on a show about millionaires who go undercover and then help organizations they volunteer for with their own money.  Yeah, I know, the whole concept is totally over done and very corny.  BUT!  Today I saw a lot of people living in squalor.  In shitty, little homes in dirty, run down neighborhoods ridden with gangs and crime.  Little kids who don’t stand a snowball’s chance in Hell running around with no shoes on. 

Now I know God answers everyone differently, and my personality would probably like to see God go, “HA!  See???  You are blessed!  Look how lucky you are!!! I TOLD YOU SO!”  But God just sits back and lets me come to the realization in my own time.  And when my  dim light bulb does finally come on I see God just standing there and smiling at me.  This visual  surprises me every time.  Which makes that whole “mystery” thing about God so much more credible. 

So in short I now feel that instead of whining I should be shouting for joy.  I AM truly blessed.  I have soooo little to whine about.  And now I am happy.  I think my headache is even going away.

So in good catholic fashion I wish I could have several black beers with my friends and talk about all of the ways that we are blessed and then take a cab home.  

Then I would have a nice, little hangover to complain about tomorrow!

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